Final Preparations for the 10km run

Obviously by ‘Final Preparations’, what I really mean is ‘Fuck! I’m running 10km in a week and I’ve been sat on my arse* eating cake and watching ‘Top Gear’ repeats on Dave!’. To get back on track, once I’d finished my cake and the ‘Indian special’ episode had ended, I decided to head out for a 10km run – just to make absolutely sure I could still run 10km. As I hadn’t run in a while, I made sure I followed all of my vital exercise tips that I have generously provided for your benefit. In particular, I followed the most important rule – Running tip number 3 (for those who have forgotten it’s “Plan your run so that you go past a hospital or two. That way, you can have a motivating defibrillation to re-energise your run at key points”). Having said that, I don’t have complete faith in the doctors at Stepping Hill Hospital due to the funeral directors either side of the main entrance.

BUSINESS TIP NUMBER 22: LOCATION IS CRUCIAL TO BUSINESS SUCCESS. FOR A FUNERAL DIRECTOR NEAR A HOSPITAL, AMBULANCES ARE FREE TAXIS BRINGING IN NEW CLIENTS.

This 10km run, however, is still a pretty dull affair. Or it was until it became a grudge match. My 18 year old brother has decided that he is going to take me on. The competition should be a close one. On the one hand, he beats me for height and athleticism. On the other hand, I have far greater momentum when I get up to speed and my ample ‘pecs’ will give me a crucial advantage should it come to a dip on the line. Thanks for reading and more to come on the grudge match.

*For my American readers, ‘arse’ is the correct way to spell and pronounce ‘ass’.

Training camp

Manchester City (the best team in the land and all the world) have got their pre-season training underway and in similar fashion I have my own training camp which involves me going on holiday for a week. I’ve got my plan all sorted – After careful consideration I think I’ll benefit most from a series of short distance events, for example to and from the bar. My friends may even be up for relay trips where we alternately cover the distance before recovering with a high-carb high-hops refuel shake (or a beer if they don’t have any of those).

EXERCISE TIP NUMBER 21: DUE TO NEWTON’S THIRD LAW OF MOTION, IF DRINKING LOTS OF BEER MAKES YOU RUN FORWARDS SLOWER, IT SHOULD MAKE YOU RUN BACKWARDS FASTER.

Also thanks to James Bamber (on twitter: @ReverseRunning) for the tweet:

For those who don’t know he’s the guy in charge of UK Backward’s Running; sort of the Lord Coe of reverse running (although strangely he hasn’t received a knighthood yet – must have been lost in the post). So if you have an interest or questions about backwards running, he’s the guy to go to. And if he likes this blog, he must be a top bloke. Anyway thanks for reading and keep your eye’s peeled for a Bamber for Knighthood petition coming your way.

Cracking the flags

Just to be clear from the start, the title ‘Cracking the flags’ is referring to the particularly sunny weather we’re having at the moment and is not referring me causing damage to pavements when I run on them (I’m not quite that bad yet). I was going to go for an early 10km run the other day (Early for me is about 12.30pm because I don’t acknowledge the existence of mornings) but it was baking hot so I went for a short backwards run instead with my dog, Monty. I had to take the dog because my brother was busy and I thought I’d be less likely to get sectioned if Monty was with me. He was a bit of a spoilsport (he refused to run backwards and he cut the corners quite a bit) but considering that I’ve seen him walk straight into a door before, I was pretty happy that he followed me at all.

Thinking that it may be cooler later on that day, I did actually go for my 10km run. I was wrong. I don’t know it was just glare of over-sized hooped earrings that are current Stockport fashion, but the sun felt like it was considerably closer to where I was running (as if it had moved to Macclesfield). Also I say 10km run but what I really mean is 5km run away from my house and then a 5km surf back on the waves of the sweat that was pouring off me. I don’t know exactly how much water I lost but the recent flooding worldwide can’t be merely a coincidence.

EXERCISE TIP NUMBER 20: SCIENTIFICALLY SPEAKING, SWEATING WHILE RUNNING IS BENEFICIAL TO YOUR PERFORMANCE AS THE SMELL MAKES PEDESTRIANS MOVE OUT OF YOUR WAY.

Hopefully the temperature will be a bit lower on August 4th when I take on the Stockport 10km Legacy Event. That race is described as ‘multi-terrain’ and ‘hilly’, which is good as it already gives me a couple of excuses nailed down in case I get a poor time. Not that I’ll need them as I’m in it to win it. Thanks for reading and apologies to any low lying island nations which are now completely submerged from the rise in sea levels due to my sweat. My bad.

Try backwards running and you won’t go back

Because my brother and I don’t want to look silly in the 2013 UK Backwards Running competition, we’ve been motivating each other to go for backward runs for a week or so now. While I’m not exactly sure how good we are as I have little comparison as not many people run backwards, what I can say is the engravers should start etching our names on the trophy now because we are going to walk away with it (or rather run away with it, backwards).

EXERCISE TIP NUMBER 19 (A REAL ONE THIS TIME): TRY RUNNING BACKWARDS. DO IT. YES YOU LOOK MAD AND YES YOU MIGHT STEP ON A CHILD BUT IT’S ACTUALLY A GOOD WORKOUT AND A GOOD LAUGH.

Actually one of the things I like about running backwards is that you are pretty much guaranteed to be the best backwards runner in the park where you’re running. Normally, and it doesn’t matter how good a runner you are, the moment you go out for a run, the US government spies (they’re everywhere these days) see you and notify the regional runner base to send some fully lycra-covered olympian to casually speed past you, just to remind you that you should never try to improve yourself (they can also remind you that people who wear lycra look like bellends ).

Running backwards puts you one step ahead (or behind) as (a) you’re the best at what you’re doing and (b) you can see these lycra knobheads coming and can take appropriate passive aggressive action. Also there is no problem in terms of getting odd stares from onlookers as when running backwards you can give your odd look straight back at them (plus you should win the odd look face off as the oddness of running backwards ought to make your odd look odder than their odd look).

Aside from running backwards, I’m doing a (forwards) 10km run in August too so I should probably get working on that soon but until then, thanks for reading!

Back(wards) by popular demand

Back by popular demand, it’s the continuation of my exercise exploits. So what have I been up to in the last month or so. Did I maintain my fitness? Did I go out pounding the pavements, pushing on through the pain to pursue physical perfection? Did I bollocks. Aside from providing high job security for the Sainsbury’s doughnut bakers, I spent my time either cramming in the library (including reading a first edition copy of ‘On the Origin of Species’ #CrazyWildStudentLife2k13), sweating in exams and then ‘retoxing’ my body with alcohol after a term of limited drinking (plus I needed to kill some brain cells to make room for next year’s work).

EXERCISE TIP NUMBER 18: EXERCISE REQUIRES ENERGY EXPENDITURE SO IT’S ADVISABLE TO TAKE A FEW MONTHS AWAY FROM EXERCISING TO DEVELOP A LARGER ‘RESERVE’.

In the end it was all worth it as I passed my exams and got to dress up like a waiter in a posh restaurant who has been attack from behind by pack of furry weasels while enduring an entirely Latin ceremony involving holding someone’s finger and kneeling in front of an old man. It’s not been all dull though – I’ve been playing a bit of tennis (I’m probably England’s number 1 now and the way Murray’s playing against Verdasco, I think I’m catching him up too) and I occasionally ventured out on my bike for a journey. On a bike note, a mystery person has mended the broken break on my bike for some reason and as a cynical guy I can’t help thinking there’s some ulterior motive behind it.

Anyway now that I’m back in the fitness capital of the U.K. (Stockport), the occasional game of tennis just doesn’t cut it. Exercise is serious here which is why I’ve entered into the most serious event I could find, namely the 2013 UK Backwards Running Competition. I’ve roped my brother Adam into it and yes we have already been running backwards in public. As my mum put it “I knew you both were odd”. Thanks for reading! More to follow!